Barefoot on Thorns
by D. M. Evans
Summary: Spike returns to Sunnydale and Buffy needs help to handle him
1. Default Chapter

BAREFOOT ON THORNS By D. M. Evans Email - ripewickedplum2@yahoo.com Disclaimer - Let me check, nope, no money in my bank so I guess I STILL don't own them and Joss et al does. Spoilers - To the end of season 6 Rating - PG-13 to R (nothing that couldn't be seen on the show) Pairing - none really, post B/S Summary - Spike returns to Sunnydale and Buffy turns to her friends for help Author's Notes - This was spawned by Joss saying that Amber would be back but NOT necessarily as Tara.  
  
Chapter One - The Prodigals Return  
  
"Its so good to see you." Buffy threw her arms around Giles, nearly knocking him into the luggage carousel with her enthusiasm. "I wasn't sure you would come."  
  
"How could I resist, Buffy?" After a warm hug, Giles took a step back and fastidiously straightened his rumpled clothing.  
  
"How is she?" Buffy nodded towards Willow who was hugging Dawn and Xander simultaneously.  
  
Giles plucked off his glasses for a nervous cleaning. "B-b-better than expected. She's made amazing progress with the Council's help. I thought it was too early for her to return to Sunnydale but she insisted."  
  
"We'll all keep a close eye on her," Buffy said, her kaleidoscope eyes, with all their color, going suddenly solemn.  
  
"And the other matter at hand best wait until we're somewhere private," Giles said sliding his glasses back on.  
  
"Of course," Buffy replied, popping over to Willow's side.  
  
Willow crushed herself to Buffy. The two friends clung to each other for several long moments until the luggage carousel buzzer sounded. She took a step back. "Is it true?"  
  
Buffy nodded. "'Fraid so. We'll talk about it once we're alone. How are you doing, Will?"  
  
Willow sucked on her bottom lip. "They tell me I'm doing good but it's so hard.without her."  
  
"I know," Buffy said and meant it. She remembered her pain when she had killed Angel and sent him to hell. Yes, it hurt when Riley had left her but nothing like when Angel 'died' and went to hell. When Spike left she had a guilty sense of relief so she wouldn't have to deal with what she had done; she wouldn't have to sort through the jumble of emotions that he invoked. Of course, now he was back but she couldn't let herself think about that.  
  
Death was what made the difference. When she killed Angel, something in her died, too. When Jenny died, she could all but see Giles' heart bleeding. When she died, Buffy could only imagine what her friends and family went through and when Tara died they nearly lost Willow, body and soul. But even death wasn't forever. Both she and Angel were proof of that. And if Willow had any plans of bringing back Tara, Buffy could make her a list of the reasons not to do it so long it could wrap Sunnydale like a shroud.  
  
"I wish I knew what to say." Buffy grasped Willow's hand.  
  
"There's not much that can be said," Willow replied unhappily. "Time heals, right? I hope that's true. Ooo, my bag." Willow brightened momentarily, pointing to a retro-70's vinyl bag with a bright yellow smiley face on it. Xander yanked it off the carousel for her.  
  
"I still don't see mine," Giles said.  
  
"Did you like England, Willow? Is it nice?" Dawn asked then remembered why Willow was there and her young face dulled. "I mean, all things considered."  
  
Willow smiled warmly. "It's beautiful. I like Bath. The Watchers' Council complex is very neat.old-fashioned, very.um, British and proper."  
  
Giles gave her a sidelong glance. "Yes, well that's to be expected. We are a proper lot."  
  
"Hush you, or I'll tell them about you, Eira and the you-know-what," Willow threatened lightly and Giles cheeks pinked up and he stammered something unintelligible.  
  
"Eira?" Buffy arched her eyebrows.  
  
"She's another Watcher from Cardiff, specializing in Roman era British history," Willow said with some of her old cheeriness.  
  
"Does G-Man have a girlfriend?" Xander asked, chucking Giles' shoulder. Giles just glared. Unfazed, Xander added, "I'll take that indignant look to mean yes."  
  
Giles cleared his throat. "I see my bag, if you'll excuse me." He brushed past Xander and grabbed the large brown tweed bag only to find it was bent into a 'V.' "Bloody hell! Look what those pillocks did to it."  
  
"Well and truly slayed," Buffy said, hiding a grin, not at his misfortune but at the rare sight at him 'losing his rag' as he'd say.  
  
"Where do I go to complain?" Giles sighed.  
  
Once the luggage was dealt with, they piled into Xander's car and headed for home.  
  
"You said over the phone that Spike returned to Sunnydale with a soul. Are you sure about this, Buffy?" Giles asked, not for the first time. He shifted on the front seat so he could look back at the girls.  
  
She bobbed her head, her pale hair flopping around. "That's what Spike said."  
  
"But do you believe him or is this." Giles paused, trying to figure a way to say it delicately. "A way to get back with you?"  
  
Buffy shrank a bit in the back seat and felt Dawn give her hand a reassuring squeeze. She brushed her hair back. "I don't think so. Spike is really wigged about this whole thing."  
  
"Not to mention weepy," Xander added, honking at someone who had just cut him off. "It's very embarrassing."  
  
"Spooky. It's spooky, too," Dawn whispered.  
  
"That's a word for it." Buffy squirmed in her seat. "I believe him, Giles. Spike's not this good of an actor. He's so shaken by this I'm not sure how he even got back to Sunnydale."  
  
"But how did this happen? I mean, did he want a soul to make you love him?" Willow asked. There was no accusation in her eyes for what Buffy had done with Spike, something Buffy had gotten used to seeing refracting out at her from Xander's and Dawn's.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, that's why I believe him. The story is so ugly. He went somewhere to get the chip magicked out of him."  
  
"What? Oh!" Willow's eyes widened. "He was going to come back and hurt you."  
  
"Yeah, what a prince," Xander said, bitterness lashing through the car. "And he wonders why no one believed he really cared about Buffy or Dawn."  
  
"I think maybe he did some," Buffy whispered, hoping it was true. If he did really feel something for her then it made their relationship a little less heinous. Otherwise she had just been screwing an unfeeling murderer and she wasn't sure how she could handle that reality. Squaring her jaw, she swallowed back those painful emotions. "It worked. The chip's gone but now he has a soul. I believe him because he told me the worst thing he could have. He'd have lied if he was telling me a tale to get me back."  
  
"Yes perhaps. Has he tried to hurt anyone?" Giles asked.  
  
"No, not that I know of but we're never alone with him." Buffy shot Dawn a sharp glance. "If he's like Angel with a soul and no chip to stop him, he can hurt people. Only his willpower keeps him from it. I can't trust anyone with him until I learn more about what's happening."  
  
"Good thinking." Giles smiled briefly.  
  
"But Angel doesn't kill people and he doesn't seem so sad all the time," Dawn said as if she had really known Angel. Thanks to the monks, Buffy guessed she actually had, though Angel had always seemed sad enough to her.  
  
"Angel had a century to get used to having a soul and he didn't have an easy time of it. Until Buffy, Angel lived like an indigent, barely holding on to his sanity," Giles said.  
  
"And not all souls are good, Dawn," Willow added.  
  
"William was a poet and a momma's boy. Spike tried to tell me he was born bad but once, when I fought Angelus he was mocking Spike just to get under my skin. He told me if he could turn Spike into something wicked imagine what he could do with Xander and Willow once he got his teeth into them," Buffy said, flinching at the memory of her first love's face twisted with such hatred. "I don't think he'd have an evil soul. But here's the weird thing, and it's probably best that you hear it from Spike. He says he has memories that aren't his."  
  
Giles' eyes lit up. "Who's are they?"  
  
"He can't tell. They're not clear, like unformed dreams," Buffy said. "You'd better to hear it from him."  
  
"Yes, of course. It's all very fascinating." A thoughtful look eased the lines in Giles' face. Buffy knew that look well. It usually preceded research mode.  
  
"Told you. You owe me a candy bar," Xander said, looking into the rearview mirror as he drove.  
  
"Darn." Dawn pouted.  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Giles asked.  
  
"I bet her that you'd say that," Xander said and Giles favored him with another withering look, and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'tosser.' Buffy grinned, knowing what that meant, thanks to Spike.  
  
The rest of the conversation drifted to safer topics, mostly Dawn asking about England and telling Willow and Giles about what had been going on with them. They unpiled from Xander's car once he pulled into Buffy's drive. Buffy noted how slow Giles was moving. She took the garbage bag he had been given to replace his luggage so it could be sent off for repairs and carried it in for him. He didn't protest.  
  
"Where is Spike?" Giles asked.  
  
"In his crypt. He's been barred from the house again. I did it once he ran off. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing so." Buffy waved her hand at the door. "I didn't trust him and I still don't. Without that chip, well I don't want to be worrying he might get in here and do something."  
  
"You mean you don't have him chained up?" Giles asked shocked, nearly stumbling over the stairs to the door. "Buffy, if he truly is chipless, he could run amok."  
  
Buffy wagged her head. "You haven't seen him, Giles. He barely even gets out of bed. He mostly lies there, crying. It's pathetic, really."  
  
"We thought about chaining him up just in case it was all an act. Buffy kept a covert eye on him for a week and nothing. He never came out of his crypt. We've been taking blood to him," Xander said, giving Buffy a look that read 'but don't ask me why we bother.'  
  
"He's been reading. I saw the books when we went there for a blood drop," Dawn said. "Poetry, Keats, Shelley, Bryon, Plath. All mopey stuff."  
  
Giles pursed his lips but kept quiet.  
  
Buffy knew he wasn't thrilled about this so she plowed ahead. "He's not even watching Passions any more."  
  
Giles ran a hand through his thinning hair. "So, we're meeting him where then to talk about this?" Giles asked. "Surely we're not walking into that graveyard. I don't like the idea of all of us packed into his crypt."  
  
"We've been using the new high school as a de facto meeting place. It's still under construction and Xander's firm is doing the work. It's not like we're really breaking and entering and it's private. We've gotten Spike to come there once," Buffy said. "He'll meet us there tonight. He said so. I'll make sure of it."  
  
Giles nodded. "Good enough."  
  
"I'm thinking pizza," Xander said abruptly, his eyes flicking between Buffy and Willow. "Why don't me and the Dawnster go make a run while you and Willow settle in?"  
  
"Sounds good to me," Willow said.  
  
"I think I'll start tea," Giles said, with a slight nod at Willow. Buffy read that gesture - and Xander's offer - to mean he was giving them a little alone time.  
  
She touched Willow's arm. "Let me give you a hand with your bags, Will."  
  
Willow nodded but she paused as she climbed the stairs. Buffy thought she was going to break down. She reached out for Willow, their fingers touching briefly. Willow collected herself and made it to the second floor.  
  
Buffy wasn't sure how to say it but she blundered ahead. "Will, I've taken Mom's room. I didn't think you could.you know, bear it in here. You can have my old room or if the house is just too much for you, Xander's offered to sleep on his couch and you can have his room. He might like the company."  
  
Willow's chest heaved. "I'll be okay here. Thanks Buffy."  
  
"You don't need to thank me, Willow." Buffy crossed her arms, shifting a bit nervously. "How are you really?"  
  
Willow sat on the bed in the now-guest room. Buffy's 'escape' tree, outside her former bedroom window, looked somehow ominous even in the daylight. "Tired, scared, sad, lost."  
  
Buffy sat with her, putting an arm around Willow, feeling weird about it. In a sudden flash it occurred to her she wasn't a 'toucher' as Mom would have said. She always kept her distance, respected personal space unless of course it was time to intimidate someone. She wore her space like armor until now. "I know, Willow. And it's hard. I've spent the last months adrift. I'm still just going through the motions but I'm starting to come alive again. I feel like I'm dancing barefoot on thorns."  
  
Willow's eyes misted up. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. If I had known."  
  
Buffy held up a hand. "No, Willow, it's okay. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that I do understand all those feelings you named. I mean in my short time I've lost Mom. I've lost a man I loved. I've lost Heaven and I did things that sometimes I think I'll never forgive myself for, or feel clean and whole again, things like Spike. But I think I'm slowly getting better and you will, too. You're stronger than me in a lot of ways."  
  
Willow shook her head. "I'm not."  
  
"You are and you can make amends for what you did," Buffy insisted.  
  
"Do you really believe that?" Willow murmured.  
  
Buffy stroked her hair, which held no hints of that horrible muddy black. "I do. I believed it of Angel who did far more evil for far less of a reason and I can easily believe it of you."  
  
Willow managed a weak smile that collapsed. "I miss Tara so much."  
  
"I know."  
  
They fell silent, shoulder-to-shoulder but it wasn't uncomfortable. Finally Willow got up.  
  
"I should get cleaned up a little. It was a long flight."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Sure. I'll be downstairs with Giles if you need me."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Buffy reluctantly left Willow, hoping that she wasn't too overwhelmed. She found Giles in the kitchen adding Lyle's Golden Syrup to his tea. He liked it better than honey and Buffy had kept a can of it in her kitchen for him even though the label disturbed her. She'd never admit it to him but a label with dead lion with bees coming out of it wasn't something that inspired her to eat it.  
  
"Would you like a cup?" He nodded to the teapot.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Teacups in hand, they retired to the living room. He still seemed stiff and somehow much older to her. It hurt to see it.  
  
"Are you all right, Buffy?" he asked, reading her distressed expression.  
  
"I was about to ask you the same thing," she replied as he slowly lowered himself onto the couch. "You seem achy."  
  
He sighed, letting his head drop back. "I am. I did, after all, have quite a lot of debris fall on me. I don't bounce back as fast as I used to."  
  
"I thought you had been killed.I was so afraid," Buffy said, unashamed of how her voice shook.  
  
Giles nodded. "You weren't the only one. I still hurt some and sitting for all those hours on the plane didn't help." He sipped his tea. "I keep thinking if only I were a few years younger I'd feel fine by now."  
  
"A few years?" She smiled to ease the sting of that.  
  
Giles snorted. "I look in the mirror and barely recognize the face staring back at me. I think 'where did all these lines come from? And when did my hair start to turn to ash?'"  
  
"Probably right about the time you met me."  
  
This time he laughed. "Well, I didn't want to say so. I'm staring at the high side of forty in that mirror wondering where the time went. It seems like yesterday that." He trailed off.  
  
"That you were Ripper raising hell all over the place." Buffy left off the 'sometimes literally.'  
  
"Yes." He frowned prodigious. "Well, perhaps I don't need to be that young again."  
  
"At least you have a better class of friends now, even if we are turning you old before your time," Buffy said.  
  
"Worry will do that to you. And I know I shouldn't worry too much. You've proven yourself time and again," Giles said.  
  
"I like that you worry. That's more than my own father bothers to do," Buffy said unhappily, running a finger over the rim of her cup. "You mean more to Dawn and me than he ever will no matter how awful that is to say."  
  
Giles stared at her for a moment, his blue eyes misting. "Thank you, Buffy."  
  
She coughed, feeling embarrassed. "Is there anything I can get you to help with the pain?"  
  
He shook his head. "I'll be fine. If I were home.let's just say Eira was trained in massage therapy to help the Slayers-in-Waiting after a long day's training."  
  
"Massage therapy? You never sprang for me to have a massage," Buffy said, pushing her lower lip out while trying not to imagine Giles' new girlfriend massaging his naked body.  
  
"At the prices they charge here? As if a librarian could have afforded that," he said grinning.  
  
Buffy smiled back. "So, tell me about Eira and the you-know-what."  
  
He looked indignantly down his nose. "I shall not, young lady."  
  
"Don't make me worm it out of Willow." She wagged a finger at him.  
  
His look morphed into a smarmy one that would have made both Angelus and Spike very jealous they couldn't match it. "The you-know-what was a dual pack of glow in the dark, raspberry flavored bubble bath and body butter."  
  
Buffy shivered the unwanted image of Giles naked surrounded by glowing bubbles popping into her mind. "Never mind. I don't want to know."  
  
"Yes, well that will teach Willow not to be too helpful and open my mail for me."  
  
She chucked his shoulder gently. "Okay, eww enough."  
  
"While we're on the subject of sex..."  
  
"We're not on any subject," Buffy protested frantically. "There is no subject!"  
  
Giles ignored her. "Where is Anya? Is she still around?"  
  
"We haven't seen her since that day. Maybe she decided cursing and-or killing Xander wasn't worth it. I think maybe part of her still loves him. We're kind of hoping she just moved on now that her shop is gone," Buffy said.  
  
Giles nodded, not sure he bought it. He rather not think about Anya's offer to him or how close he came to honestly desiring it. Not so much for the implied sex but dying old and alone was a terrifying prospect. He didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but he knew he was still likely to outlive his Slayer. Most Watchers did. "Is Willow settling in all right?"  
  
Buffy gazed up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I think so. And tonight, I'll take the sofa. You take my bed."  
  
He shook his head. "No, Buffy, I'll be fine here."  
  
"No, you won't. You had a long flight. You need the rest. I don't, not really. And I'm not recovering from being totally flattened. You take the bed."  
  
Giles slumped a bit on the couch. "Thank you." 


	2. Confessions on the Hellmouth

Chapter Two - Confessions on the Hellmouth  
  
The new school felt peculiar. The architect had opted for a cold modern style, leaving it oddly sterile. Xander said they laid it out similar to the last one though, with the library in the same place. Xander had done everything to avoid working on the library section of the project. Just being on the surface of the Hellmouth was too much for him. He and several other workers had complained of frequent nightmares since work began.  
  
"Don't see Bleach Boy anywhere," Xander said. "If he's still weeping in his crypt, you drag him out, Buffy. I don't want to see that again."  
  
"He'll be here," Buffy said, watching Dawn spin slow circles in the hall as she tried to take in the whole half-finished school at once. "Is something wrong, Dawn?"  
  
"I don't like this school. It has a wrong feel to it," Dawn said, her face clouded as the thoughts of her soon attending this school flooding in.  
  
"Turning widdershins isn't a bad idea," Willow said, waving her hand at Dawn's movement. "A good banishment might be needed."  
  
A tiny light flared at the far turn of the hall. "Thought I heard voices." Spike came around the corner and wandered into the section that actually had electrical power. "Nice to see you again, Rupert."  
  
"Yes, well Buffy said I should speak to you," Giles said, almost surprised at the coolness in his voice. He gained nothing by aggravating Spike but the fact Spike had purposely got himself into this mess so he could hurt Buffy galled at him. And he was shocked. Spike looked awful. He had lost a large amount of weight, from where Giles didn't know. Spike had always been too thin and now he looked like a bobble head doll. Giles half expected for Spike's head to snap off under its own weight or for his cheekbones to burst through skin that seemed too small for his face. The vampire's eyes seemed overly large yet sunken at the same time.  
  
"It's nice to see you, too, Red. How are you feeling?" Spike asked, either missing Giles' coldness or ignoring it. There was a surprising warmth to Spike's expression when he looked at Willow, it shocked them all. The only times Spike had ever looked so gentle was with Dawn or Buffy; well, not at the end of the relationship. That had been pure rage and Buffy cared never to remember that night except when it was necessary to whip herself for what she had done. That was becoming an uncomfortably regular pastime for her.  
  
"Good is a stretch but I'm doing better," she said, astonished by the kindness she saw in his blue eyes.  
  
Spike nodded. "I can understand that."  
  
"Are you ready to tell us what happened to you?" Giles pushed, feeling somehow uneasy in the school.  
  
Spike took a drag off his cigarette then slid down the wall to sit on the floor. "Buffy probably told you all about what I tried to do."  
  
"Yes." With one word Giles dropped the temperature in the hall to freezing.  
  
"Probably getting a good laugh at me for getting what I deserved," Spike said, rolling his eyes up to meet Giles.'  
  
"I rarely find you funny," Giles replied.  
  
Spike still seemed unoffended. "Yeah, well I went a little barmy I guess after." He broke off, glancing at Buffy who shuddered, turning away guiltily. "Or maybe I found myself again. Whatever. I just wanted to be who I used to be, what I'm meant to be, not some neutered pussy-whipped shade."  
  
Buffy took a step back, shrinking in on herself. She could live without any reminders of what she had become, how low she had sunk trying to find her life's spark. And worse, some guilty corner of her soul had enjoyed the wild abandoned sex with Spike. There was a certain amount of freedom to screwing without investing one's heart in it. But the way she had treated him made her feel like a manipulative bitch and still part of her couldn't quite believe he honestly loved her. It was more like an obseession. And when he couldn't have her he had gone to great lengths to punish her.  
  
"And this somehow led to you getting a soul?" Giles asked.  
  
"It wasn't what I wanted but yeah, that's the long and short of it. I.I'm not even sure how I got back here. I can barely function." Spike raised his cigarette to his lips with trembling fingers.  
  
"Why did you even come back?" Giles asked, unable to keep the harshness from coloring his voice.  
  
Spike sniffled and Xander rolled his eyes, just waiting for the waterworks to start. "I really don't want to talk about it."  
  
Buffy was surprised when Giles' answered 'and I would rather find somewhere else to talk.' She glanced around the half-done school uneasily. "Is something wrong, Giles?"  
  
"I'm not sure. Something feels wrong about us being here. I know the school was our base for three years but they should have left this ground lie fallow.and salted. There has to be someplace better to talk," Giles said. "Not to mention if by chance someone notices we're here we could get arrested for trespassing."  
  
"The Espresso Pump is still open," Buffy said. "It's not terribly private though."  
  
"It'll do," Giles said.  
  
"What part of 'I don't want talk' didn't you understand?" Spike asked, making no effort to move.  
  
"I flew here specifically to talk to you and Willow interrupted her rehabilitation so you will speak to us," Giles said sternly.  
  
"Well, I didn't ask you to." Spike pouted petulantly. It was a look that usually got him what he wanted from Dru and Harmony.  
  
"Don't be a chuffer, Spike," Giles said, his eyes blazing with blue fire. "Personally I wouldn't have cared if Buffy had just put you out of your misery but she asked for our help so the least you can do is stop getting so tetchy and talk about this."  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. He, at least, knew Giles had just rather politely called him a fucker and the Watcher had a point. He swallowed a laugh, hearing Willow quietly telling Buffy Giles had gotten more English in the last few weeks since he'd been home and Buffy asking how that was possible. It almost felt like old times. "Fine. Coffee then?"  
  
"Coffee," Buffy said definitively.  
  
The Espresso Pump was more or less dead and they weren't sure if that was good or not. They were probably more likely to be overheard in the quiet of the shop than they would have been had the place been packed and raucous. Everyone had their drink of choice and they crowded around a table in the back. Spike just looked at his pack of cigarettes, moping. He should have suggested a bar. At least there he could have smoked.  
  
"Are you going to talk now?" Buffy encouraged. "Tell us about the dream stuff."  
  
Spike just sighed heavily, folding up more on his chair. His duster shifted around him. He seemed lost, like kindling wrapped in a tarp.  
  
"Oh, for heaven's sake. At least Angel wasn't such a crybaby about this whole soul thing," Xander said, shooting a disgusted look Spike's way.  
  
Spike laughed bitterly. "Shows what you know."  
  
"We saw Angel after ninety years of dealing with it under his belt," Giles said placatingly. As much as he hated it, he could tell Spike was going to need coddling.  
  
"Damn straight," Spike said. "You should have seen him back when it happened. He was such a mess even his shagbag kicked him to the curb."  
  
"Which one? Darla or Dru?" Xander asked and Spike growled.  
  
Buffy kicked both men under the table. "Angel told me about it a little. He said he went pretty crazy for a long time. It wasn't until he saw." She swallowed hard. "Until he saw me that he got back into life."  
  
"Lucky us," Xander muttered and Willow put a hand on his arm.  
  
"Yeah, there is something special about you, Buffy. Scrotty old Angel was affected by it.it dragged me under like a whirlpool. I didn't ask for this, you know," Spike said, a bit of his old fire sneaking into his voice.  
  
"So you've said before. The dreams, Spike," Buffy said before he could launch into another tangent about his former glory.  
  
"Don't see why I should tell you. Nothing you can do, Buffy. Not to mention your Watcher is sitting there with a face on." Spike jerked a thumb at Giles. "Doubt he will help even if he could."  
  
Buffy looked between the two men and Willow, reading the question in Buffy's eyes, leaned in and said, "Giles looks annoyed."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "He always looks annoyed."  
  
"I do not!" Giles said, his annoyed look deepening. "Spike, you might be right; there's a chance there is nothing we can do, if these dreams are part and parcel of you having a soul but Buffy said you thought these dreams had nothing to do with you."  
  
Spike nodded. "Like I'm seeing snatches of someone else's life, having someone else's dreams."  
  
"Are they nightmares?" Willow asked.  
  
"This whole thing is a nightmare," Spike shot back. "It starts off rough and scary, like I'm constantly afraid then it mellows to something peaceful and gentle. It feels like here in Sunnyhell is where I belong of all places. And none of that is me!"  
  
"Maybe it used to be," Dawn suggested. "You weren't always bad or maybe it's your life in reverse."  
  
"I was born bad," Spike lied, not about to own up to his mortal life in front of Xander and Giles. "I can't remember any specifics, no images but somehow I know you're involved, Red. Don't ask me why or how."  
  
Willow's brow creased. "Me? Why?"  
  
Spike reached for Willow then snatched his hand back cradling it to his chest. "I just said I didn't know. It's not like I ever gave you much thought, no offense. And even now something feels different. Seeing you again, it feels somehow right. Like you belong here with me and I'll be damned if I know why."  
  
"Most curious," Giles said.  
  
"Cruel is what I'd call it. Why should I be having any warm happy feelings about this.about her?" Spike snarled. "The dreams just keep coming though. I remember a little more each time but not enough to put it all together."  
  
"Well, I do have a suggestion then. We try something to help you remember your dreams," Giles said.  
  
Spike frowned. "Why do I get the impression this is a very bad idea?"  
  
"Anything involving you is a bad idea," Xander snapped, a peevish look beetling his brow.  
  
"This wanker isn't helping, is he? Cause if he is, it's a no-go," Spike said petulantly.  
  
"It'll be me doing the spell," Giles said. "Buffy and I will come to your crypt tomorrow morning. Willow, you should be there. If somehow you're a focal point for Spike, your presence might help. You won't be doing any of the magic though."  
  
"I still don't like this," Spike grumbled.  
  
"Tough. Just be ready for us," Buffy said with finality. 


	3. Dreamscape

Chapter Three - Dreamscape  
  
"This really isn't a very conducive place for this sort of dream enhancement," Giles said, looking around Spike's crypt. The cold marble and granite needed a good cleansing to remove the mold that was creeping in like a blanket in spots. The large bed seemed out of place and smelled a bit gamy. They hadn't lied when they told him it was near impossible to drag Spike out of his home. The TV was set up so it could be seen from the bed instead of the couch where Giles suspected was its usual spot. He could just imagine Spike crumpled on the bed moaning about the fate he had brought on himself.  
  
"What's wrong with it? This is where he usually sleeps," Buffy said. She was trying not to see the place because it was impossible not to see herself as part of it, hear her moans of guilty pleasure, feel his cool, smooth touch. She wanted to forget it all even as a frisson of latent desire blossomed. She ground it underfoot.  
  
"Yes, I know, but the energy here is ugly," Giles muttered.  
  
"Can you do it? Do you need-" Willow stared but the word 'help' was cut off by a sharp 'no' from Giles. Willow jumped back as if burned. Giles shot her an apologetic look.  
  
"Well, I ain't exactly chuffed to have to try and sleep in front of the gang," Spike grumbled, eyeing the interlopers sourly.  
  
"Three people is not a gang," Buffy said, not in the mood for his usual whining.  
  
"I'd like to see you get sleep while there are people watching," Spike shot back, stripping off his shirt. His alabaster skin rippled over the areas where his ribs and shoulder blades knifed at the flesh. Buffy glanced away, trying to forget she had ever caressed and kissed that cold skin. She could almost count his vertebra. Was he eating at all and why did she even care if he starved himself to dust?  
  
Giles caught her stricken look. "Sleep with your pants on. No one wants to see you naked."  
  
Spike didn't even protest. He collapsed on his bed, and peeled off his boots. "Whatever. I'm not going to be able to do this."  
  
"Why don't we go outside and come back in a little while. That might be easier for you," Willow said.  
  
Spike smiled gently. "Thanks, Willow tree."  
  
Willow visibly paled and headed out of the crypt as if propelled by an unseen hand. Buffy and Giles took a few long strides to catch up to her. They could hear her breath coming in ragged gasps. Buffy put her hand on her friend's slim shoulder.  
  
"Will, what's wrong?"  
  
Willow dashed a few stray tears from her eyes. "No one ever calls me Willow tree, no one but Tara."  
  
Buffy's face softened. "Oh Willow, I'm sorry. That jerk probably heard her say it and is just trying to upset you."  
  
Willow wagged her head. "She never used except when we were alone. I don't think Spike could have overheard it." She took a deep breath, considering the tender expression on Spike's face as he had called her that. "And I don't think he meant to upset me."  
  
"Probably just a coincidence. It's an obvious nickname," Giles said, but he made note of it. He had never heard Spike call Willow anything other than 'Red.' Given the oddness of the situation anything might have significance.  
  
"Let's walk," Buffy said. "I don't like standing around like a target."  
  
Willow glanced skywards. The sun was bright, making the granite graves gleam. In the strong light of day there was a forlorn beauty to the cemetery. Weeping ladies, armed angels and animals stood guard over those who had gone before. Thoughts of Tara being among the fallen crept in and Willow had to fight to keep from crying. She started along a garden path full of roses and mums. "I know you don't want me to use magic, Giles, but there might be other things I can do to help." Her voice trembled like a leaf in a hurricane.  
  
"What I would like for you to do, Willow, is to write down anything Spike has to say once we start questioning him. That would be a big help."  
  
"Should we leave him to fall asleep by himself? I mean, don't you have to cast the spell?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I already have done. It might be worth it to listen in to see if he talks in his sleep but he's likely to just stay worked up if we had remained behind," Giles said. "But I'll confess I'm not looking forward to rooting through Spike's dreams."  
  
"Neither would I, if they were Spike's dreams. From what little he has said, I can't imagine them being his," Buffy said.  
  
"What do you plan on doing about Spike in the long run?" Giles asked.  
  
Buffy looked into her Watcher's blue eyes. There was no judgment there, no accusation, just gentleness. She was so used to that look. It made her feel full of sunlight. She always knew what to expect in Giles' eyes; either fatherly affection or terminal annoyance. "I wish I knew. I guess if I were going to kill him, I would have done so and not called you back. I was always arguing for a chance at redemption for Angel because he had a soul. Do I do less for Spike? Or was I only arguing for Angel because I loved him."  
  
Willow's face went grave. "Do you love Spike, too?"  
  
Buffy sighed, her agate eyes misting. "No. That's not the right word for it. There is something between us, that's for certain but it's not love. I don't know what it is. My life would be a lot easier if he was gone but that's not fair. That's not what being a Slayer is about, eliminating those who are inconvenient."  
  
"But it is about eliminating demons. Spike is still that," Giles said.  
  
"And if you thought I should kill him out of hand you would have said so and saved yourself air fare," Buffy shot back and Giles didn't argue. "I don't want to talk about him right now. Will, tell me more about England, tell me about the good stuff. We've all had enough of the bad."  
  
Willow smiled frailly and related the good parts of being in Bath with Giles. Buffy listened, half jealous, wishing she could just go away to another country for little while. She knew that wasn't fair. She knew Willow was hardly on vacation but still, she couldn't quite quell that hint of green coloring her thoughts. She would never be able to take a vacation ever.  
  
They went back to the crypt and Spike was asleep. They played cards with the deck Giles had thought to bring to stave off the boredom. Spike finally awoke hours later, in the heat of the afternoon. The three mortals had gotten sweaty from sitting in the crypt with its lack of ventilation. Spike made a disturbed noise, curling up a bit under the covers, his back to them. He stayed that way for several minutes until Buffy thought she'd have to drag him from bed. Finally, Spike sat up and with a few expert motions brushed his tangled curls into something manageable. Buffy felt jealous again.  
  
"I don't ever want to do this again," Spike moaned.  
  
"So you remember your dreams?" Giles said, nodding for Willow to start writing.  
  
Spike scrubbed his too-thin face as if trying to brush the memories away. "Too many of them."  
  
"Start at the beginning," Giles encouraged.  
  
"I remember being afraid of this overbearing man. I couldn't see his face but I could tell he was my father. He was yelling at me for betraying the family, for being bad," Spike said.  
  
"And did you used to fight with your father?" Giles asked.  
  
"A lot. He didn't think I was bad.he thought I was weak. He was embarrassed by me," Spike admitted, ducking his head. "That dream changed and I was in a forest. It was beautiful. There were thick trees and a stream. The air smelled like pine and there was this little girl who ran up to me with a handful of flowers. She gave them to me and pointed toward the hills in the distance. She ran off without a word and I walked toward the hills. At the headwaters of the stream stood another lady. I thought she might be the girl's mother. She smiled and kissed my cheek and pointed the way to the hills. By the time I got to the hills, a third woman was there. She looked like the other two but older, like the grandmother. She didn't look as happy as the other two. She handed me this small sword and said, 'choose.' Then she was gone." Spike said, shivering at the remembrance of her.  
  
Willow's breath caught and she dropped her pen.  
  
"What is it Will?" Buffy asked, her hand straying to Willow's arm.  
  
"He saw the TriVia," Willow said.  
  
Giles, noting Buffy's blank look, added, "The Triple Goddess."  
  
"Why the hell would I be seeing her?" Spike asked, his brow wrinkling. It made his scar dance. "I've never in my life dreamed about gods or goddess or demons for that matter."  
  
"I have no idea why she would show herself in a dream to you," Giles said.  
  
"I've had a dream like that once," Willow said. "So did Tara. When we first met and started talking about magic we talked about our dreams of the TriVia. Yours was a lot like ours."  
  
"Well, I could do without her. Then came the last dream.do I have to talk about this one?" Spike said, a distinctly embarrassed look settling over his features.  
  
"If we're to help you, yes," Giles said, but Buffy could tell her Watcher really didn't want to hear it. He obviously had noted Spike's mortified look and dreaded knowing what could humiliate the vampire.  
  
"Okay but remember you asked." Spike hunted up his cigarettes before continuing. "I was in bed.with Willow."  
  
"What?" Willow's eyes were large and horrified.  
  
"Hey, it's not my idea." He blew a plume of smoke overhead. "I've never thought about you like that, Red." Spike pursed his lips. Actually he had thought of Willow that way. He'd have to be blind and deader than he was not to see how beautiful she was. "But the dream was vivid. I've never seen you naked but I know that you have a sprinkle of freckles over your shoulders and a little crescent scar on your left butt cheek."  
  
Buffy glanced over at Willow who nodded. "I do. I got it falling out of Xander's tree house when we were kids. But how could you know that, Spike?"  
  
"No clue. It's not like I'm some damn voyeur." Spike rubbed his chest, the cigarette butt clamped in his fingers making a slow outline around one shell-pink nipple. Actually he was a voyeur, Buffy and Riley, Angelus with Darla and/or Dru. It excited him but he hadn't ever thought to watch Willow and Tara and rather regretted it at this point. "Let's just say we went down on each other and leave it at that. You don't need the damn details. Afterwards, we were cuddling in bed, candles all around and we were talking about our hopes and dreams, Willow tree. You were telling me all about wanting to go to England to see the castles and I was telling you about wanting to see Greece and all the old temples. Well, I've been to Greece and couldn't care less so I don't know why I'd be telling you this. I keep saying, wouldn't it be great to pray to Hecate in the oldest of her temples there in Greece, like I'd give a toss about sending prayers up to anyone."  
  
Willow let out a sob and sank to the floor. A low keening tore out of her throat as she rocked back and forth. Her name screeched past both Buffy and Giles' lips as Buffy threw her arms around her friend.  
  
"Willow, what is it? What's happening?" Buffy asked.  
  
Willow's tears hit the cold marble floor as she rested her head against it. "Buffy, he's describing in perfect detail one night Tara and I had spent. We were talking about our dream summer vacations. He couldn't possibly know that."  
  
"Oh God," Giles said, coloring draining from his lined face.  
  
"What?" Buffy looked up at him harshly. "Do you know what's going on?"  
  
"I have a suspicion, a very bad one. This creature gave Spike his soul on a lark. He knew Spike was trying to hurt you all. But what if he didn't give Spike William's soul?" Giles asked, a shudder tearing through him. "What if he knew what would really hurt us all?"  
  
Willow fought her way out of Buffy's grip and dived onto the bed with Spike. She grabbed his face, staring into his blue eyes. She scryed in them for several long moments then all but collapsed on him. "He gave you Tara's soul!" 


	4. The Ugly Truth

Chapter Four - The Ugly Truth  
  
"Willow, slow down!" Buffy said, darting through the cemetery after her hysterical friend. Willow had a slight head start as Buffy had lingered in Spike's crypt long enough to extract a promise that he'd come to her house once it was dark. Giles had gone after Willow but Buffy could see the effects of his injuries still nagged at him. He was slower than she could ever remember him being.  
  
"Stop, Willow!" Hurtling a headstone, Buffy grabbed her and nearly yanked the slight woman off her feet. Willow was chanting, 'Can't be true' over and over. Buffy just stared at her, not knowing what to say. Giles pounded up to them, his breath coming in deep, ragged gulps, his face florid. Buffy had a sudden vision of him gone then shook it off. Giles wasn't in any danger of dying just yet. She was overreacting. She just wished the image wasn't so horribly vivid. Too much loss, that's what it was. She was seeing its specter everywhere.  
  
"How?" Willow asked roughly. The panic left her pretty eyes as a dull rage filled them. It terrified Buffy, shades of the Willow who tried to burn the world down.  
  
"We don't know that's what happened," Buffy said, glancing at Giles hoping he'd say it was impossible Spike had been given Tara's soul. The look on his face wasn't encouraging.  
  
"I feel it." Willow's knees buckled. Buffy caught her and eased her to the ground. "I could almost see her when I looked into his eyes."  
  
Buffy cast a pleading look at her Watcher. "Can it be true, Giles?"  
  
He nodded slowly. "There are various types of possession and spells that could do something like this, not too unlike the spell that switched you and Faith. Let's get you home, Willow, and we'll see if we can figure this out."  
  
"Always with the books." Buffy smiled gently.  
  
"Not this time." The vicious bitterness in Willow's voice dragged their attention to her, fearing the worst. "I emptied the books at the Magic Box.before I destroyed it. Giles, all your books are back in England. Buffy, you and Xander don't even own spell books."  
  
"The Council is a phone call away. And there are other magic shops," Giles said calmingly, taking her hand. "We could even call L.A. if we have to."  
  
Willow started to say something then broke down into a shudder. Her mouth opened to cry out but no sound came forth. Her hand slid limply from Giles'. Buffy sat beside her, cradling her close, hoping this time she'd be able to give Willow what she needed.  
  
Giles touched Buffy's shoulder. "We should get her home." His hand strayed to Willow's hair. She looked up at him, fat tears spilling down her face. "We're going to fix this somehow."  
  
Willow sobbed loudly this time, holding Giles' hand to her cheek. Eventually he and Buffy were able to coax her to her feet. She crushed herself to Giles. With a supportive arm, he guided her to the car.  
  
On the way home, Buffy let guilt gnaw her like a bone. If she had been able to handle Spike on her own this would never had happened. All right, he'd still have someone else's soul but at least she wouldn't have dragged Willow into it. This was all her fault. She glanced over at Giles who seemed to be overly involved in carefully driving Xander's borrowed car. It was partly his fault, too. He should have insisted Willow not interrupt her recovery. He should have made sure she stayed in England. And no matter if it was true that they were to blame, it changed nothing. All she could do now was to try and make it better even if it meant killing Spike to release Tara's soul.  
  
Xander and Dawn, both a little dusty from doing some much needed work on the Summer's residence, greeted them happily, obviously proud of their accomplishment. That joy washed away with one sight of Willow's puffy, wet face. Xander reached out to her.  
  
"Willow, what's wrong?"  
  
She just shook her head and moved stiff and unnaturally to the couch. She all but collapsed on it. Xander's dark eyes flicked over to Buffy searching for answers.  
  
"Buffy?" Dawn questioned in a small voice.  
  
Buffy nodded toward the kitchen hoping to lead them away from Willow, to give her a reprise from the agony. However, Willow's gaze caught hers and in a tone too much like when she had gone bad she asked, "Are you going to make that call, Giles?"  
  
A worried look flickered behind his glasses and he nodded. "Yes, of course. Buffy, check to see if any of my or Willow's books of magic might still be here somewhere." Giles headed for the phone.  
  
Buffy went to the bookcase with Dawn and Xander on her heels as if afraid to get too close to Willow. She studied the books hopelessly. "Giles performed the spell on Spike."  
  
"Good. Is it.is it too hard for Willow to be here?" Xander asked, his dark eyes filled with pain for his oldest, dearest friend.  
  
"Maybe she should go back to England," Dawn whispered. "She looks awful."  
  
"I'm not arguing that but just being here isn't the problem. It's what the spell revealed. We think Spike wasn't given his own soul. It looks like the demon put Tara's soul into him just for laughs.to get back at me," Buffy said flatly. It really was her fault. If she weren't the Slayer, this demon wouldn't have any reason to give Spike someone else's soul just to be more hurtful. That was the whole point of Spike getting a soul. The vampire wanted to hurt her and the demon plucking Tara's soul from heaven to mire her in Spike's life was as cruel as could be imagined.  
  
Both Dawn and Xander stood there, mouths agape, for several long seconds then Dawn blurted out. "But how?"  
  
"No, that's not right!" Xander said, his voice dark and loud. "No way a soul as sweet and kind as Tara could be stuffed into that murder's heart!"  
  
Willow cried out wordlessly at that and her friends' looked pained. Buffy gave up on the books and went to sit beside Willow. She pulled Willow into another embrace. She knew what was coming. Whenever he was frightened or angry, Xander lashed out. Maybe it wasn't his fault. He had learned it from his alcoholic father, after all. Or maybe that was just a cop out. Either way, Buffy just wished he'd either be quiet or go away and she knew he'd do neither.  
  
"This is all your fault, Buffy. If you had just killed Spike any time in the last two years since he had that chip in his head, this wouldn't have happened," Xander raged. "He doesn't deserve to still be walking about and there's no way Tara deserves the hell of drowning in Spike's evil."  
  
"I didn't see you staking Spike, Xander," Buffy shot back. "You let him live with you."  
  
Xander's face set stone-like, infused with blood. "And you let him screw you twelve ways to Sunday just proving I was right all along. A guy does have to be dead before you'll pay any attention to him."  
  
The coldness of Xander's voice felt like frostbite to her heart. Buffy couldn't believe he still had that early rejection pent up inside him. That made their various fights along the way make much more sense.  
  
"Xander, I can't believe you said that!" Dawn shrieked.  
  
"Why not? It's true. It's not my job to kill vampires, Buffy. I'm not the Slayer. I'm not even a Watcher. Will and I have stuck it out with you because we're your friends and look where it's led us." He stabbed a hand in Willow's direction.  
  
"I didn't know I was making everyone so miserable," Buffy said, wanting to cry but she was too angry. Her fire must have been lashing from her eyes judging by the way Dawn and Xander backed away.  
  
"Enough!" At Giles' booming voice the room silenced except for Willow's sniffling. The Watcher glared at them all. "This is counterproductive. It doesn't matter in the least what we did or didn't do in the past. The only thing this arguing is accomplishing is to upset Willow more. You're no longer children so stop acting like it!"  
  
Both Buffy and Xander withdrew into themselves, abashed. Giles came into the room and sat on the other side of Willow.  
  
Willow pulled away from her human bookends, crossing her arms rocking forward on them as if trying to hold herself together. "The gypsies gave Angel a soul so his torment would be endless, so that he would know everything he had done. It nearly destroyed him. How much worse must it be for Tara? Knowing she's trapped, forced to see, hear and feel all that Spike's done and knowing she's suffering for his sins."  
  
"We'll make this right somehow, Willow. I promise you that," Buffy said, her lips trembling. She knew there was no way of making this right.  
  
"A real good way would be to stake Spike now," Xander said, leaning on the bookcase.  
  
"Actually I'd advise against that," Giles said, holding up a hand to silence any protests.  
  
Willow's head came up sharply. "Why? Tara's suffering, Giles. I say killing Spike to free her is a good thing."  
  
"It's not that simple, Willow." Regret hung heavy in Giles' voice.  
  
"Yeah, I mean Spike saved my life a bunch of times or it sure seems like it. If it weren't for him, I'd be dead," Dawn said, drawing in on herself mouse-like.  
  
"That's not what I meant," Giles said, sorrow written into every line of his face like a threnody. "The truth is we have no idea what would happen to Tara's soul if we simply killed Spike. It could be that her soul would be released to go where it was meant to be."  
  
"Or it could be dragged down to hell by sins that aren't hers?" Willow questioned in a hollow tone.  
  
"I don't know. No one does. The only other vampire with a soul," Giles said, glancing at Buffy cautiously. "Is Angel."  
  
"And when he died, he and his soul went to hell." Xander said softly, his anger bleeding away.  
  
"Technically Angel didn't die," Giles replied, taking off his glasses to clean them.  
  
Buffy nodded. "A sword through the heart wouldn't kill him. I sent Angel to hell body and soul. That's different. What did the Watchers say, Giles?"  
  
"That they have no idea. They're doing the research but this case is rather unique. We're leaning toward the idea that it would be better to separate Tara's soul from Spike before he's dust just to be sure." Giles finished fiddling with his glasses and put them back on.  
  
"Can it be done?" Willow asked, a numb look glazing her eyes.  
  
"We think so. We're looking into everything first. I know you don't want to think of it this way but Tara's soul has been melded with Spike now for several weeks. Taking the time to do the research and make sure we do this right isn't going to hurt her more," Giles said, sagging back against the couch pillows. He seemed to have aged years in just the past few hours.  
  
"You don't know that." Willow thumped her heel on the floor. Her breath escaped in an explosive sigh as she visibly relented. "But I know you're right."  
  
"All right then, Spike will be here when it's dark. Xander, could you take Dawn to your place until he's gone?" Buffy asked, hoping his rage had passed like a bad storm.  
  
"What? Wait! You're not just getting rid of me!" Dawn said. "Tara was my friend and I want to know what's happening."  
  
"Dawn, don't argue with me, or you either, Xander. Spike doesn't want to talk openly in front of everyone. He's said so many times over. We need to be a hundred percent sure that what we think has happened is the truth. He doesn't need an audience," Buffy said, leaving out that Xander was bound to just work Spike up and that would get them no where.  
  
"I don't think Willow should stay either. It's too hard on her," Xander said, with a cautious glance in Willow's direction.  
  
"I'm staying!" Willow said sharply.  
  
"Xander's right, Will. You don't need to see this," Buffy said, touching Willow's shoulder.  
  
Willow's eyes slotted, her face losing what little color it had. "I'm staying."  
  
"Willow, this might be a good." Giles started.  
  
"A what? A good time to work on those calming exercises the Watchers gave me?" She laughed harshly. "I think we're a little beyond those, Giles."  
  
"No, I think you're exactly where you need to be for them. I'll work with you to get you started. And you can stay when Spike gets here unless it becomes too much for you. In that case, I'm taking you to Xander's myself." Giles' expression stated he'd brook no argument.  
  
"I'll have the room ready for you, Will. In case you need it." Xander kissed her cheek lightly.  
  
She ran a shaky hand over her face. "Thanks, Xander. Giles, I'm going to need your help with those exercises."  
  
His expression warmed like hot chocolate and marshmallows, a thing of pure comfort that they all drank in. "Of course." 


	5. Confrontation

Chapter Five  
  
Buffy answered the door, prepared to do what she really didn't want to; invite Spike back in. But the reality was it was next to impossible to protect Dawn from Spike. She couldn't watch her all the time and if Spike couldn't come to Dawn, she could go to him. Still, Buffy wasn't sure Dawn would. Dawn hadn't forgotten what Xander had said about Spike trying to rape her and obviously hadn't forgiven Spike.  
  
Buffy was glad Dawn wasn't here at this very moment as she swung open the door. The haunted look in his blue eyes would have been enough to melt her sister's heart. It was killing Buffy. It was as if Tara was staring out at her and she could barely keep herself from caressing his cheek.  
  
"Come in," she said roughly, trying to control herself.  
  
Spike moved in as if he was feeling his entire age. He dropped his gaze as he passed her and very uncharacteristically moved through the house to the living room without saying a word. Buffy couldn't remember ever seeing a quiet Spike. He loved the sound of his own voice. Seeing Willow sitting on the couch next to Giles, Spike hesitated.  
  
He looked over his shoulder at Buffy. "Should she be here?"  
  
"Why does everyone keep asking that? This affects me more than anyone!" Willow said, getting to her feet. Giles went to pull her back down but paused at a look from Buffy.  
  
"I beg to differ." Spike sagged onto the floor next to the fireplace.  
  
"I don't care about whatever pain you think you're feeling." Willow's face went blotchy with rage. "All I care about is saving Tara from you."  
  
"You think I wouldn't love that, Red? Do you think I wanted this?" Spike said, a cold anger beginning to break through his ennui.  
  
"You did it purposely, so I'd have to go with yes," Willow said, shrugging off Giles who did put a restraining hand on her arm this time.  
  
Spike shook his head. "This was definitely not the plan. I nearly died earning what I wanted, to be me again." A look of defiance flared in his acetylene blue eyes. "To be like I was with Dru, the way I was meant to be."  
  
"Xander's right, you're a real prince," Willow snarled.  
  
"Willow, maybe this would be a good time for you to go to Xander's," Giles said, tightening his grip on her arm.  
  
She glared at him. "I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"You're making it very difficult for us to get anything done," Giles said sternly.  
  
"Do you think this is easy for-" Willow started but Buffy cut her off.  
  
"No we don't. It's not easy for anyone, Will." Buffy held up a hand. "And we know it's hardest on you, but if Giles can't ask Spike what he has to, how are we going to help Tara?"  
  
Willow looked fiercely at her but she sat down on the couch stiffly and waved at Giles.  
  
Spike glanced over at the Watcher. "Do you think it's for real? That this thing the demon put inside me isn't even me?" Spike dug his fingers into his chest so hard they could hear the fabric of his shirt tearing.  
  
"Don't you?" Giles asked, tugging off his glasses for their millionth nervous cleaning.  
  
Spike pulled out his cigarettes but Buffy confiscated them before he could light up. He looked up at her pleadingly. With a 'this is my territory my rules look' Buffy put them on the table out of his reach, savoring his stricken look. "Yeah, I do."  
  
"Tell me about who did this to you." Giles reached for a tablet to take notes. "I'm assuming there's no convincing him to reverse it, provided you didn't kill him outright?"  
  
"I'm not sure what kind of demon it was, really," Spike said, not addressing the demon's fate. "All I knew was that it was capable of fixing me.if the demon grapevine was to be believed. And it did. It didn't expect me to get through the trials to earn its help, bloody wanker, pissed it right off that I did. That's why it didn't just remove the chip. I guess I'm lucky it didn't bloody make me human."  
  
"Would that have been so terrible?" Buffy asked, then clamped a hand over her mouth as if she couldn't believe she had said it.  
  
Spike crumbled up further against the hearth, looking very small. "Maybe not.but probably it would be dreadful. Ask Anya how well that worked out for her. I can't help you with the name of the creature, Rupert or how it did this, just that it did."  
  
"Well, you did want to hurt the Slayer and her friends. Congratulations, you succeeded," Giles said dryly. "Typical of your plans, you managed to bunge yourself up as well."  
  
"Yeah, be sure to rub my nose in this." Spike glared at them all. "Look, I never wanted this to happen to Tara. I liked her.well, okay not really but she never did me no harm."  
  
"You're not even fit to say her name," Willow snapped.  
  
"Give it a rest, Red. It's not my fault your slag ended up stuck in here with me. You think I'm enjoying this, getting all girlie inside?" Spike shot back. For a moment he lost control and became the demon. Buffy wondered if he even realized it.  
  
Willow exploded off the couch, grabbing Spike by the neck. "I should just stake you now and let her free!"  
  
Spike just laughed, breaking her grip easily. Buffy pulled Willow away. "Looks like your Watcher's rehab is going so well. Tell me Rupert, is she at the bottom of her class?"  
  
"Don't get on my wick, Spike, or I'll let her finish you," Giles said. Buffy shuddered at the look on her Watcher's face. She could see the dark mage in him peeking out from behind gentle blue eyes.  
  
Spike snorted. "Fuck, you think I don't know this is how it ends, Rupert? No matter what, if you gits pull this bastarding soul out of me, I'm dust. I know that. No way you let me live if I'm not nice and castrated by that chip." Spike looked over at Buffy, resignation dulling his eyes. "You ready to do it, love? Ready to slip it in and have yourself a good day? I know my only chance of living is to get out of here now and learn to live with this soul."  
  
"You can't do that," Willow whispered, nearly collapsing in Buffy's arms.  
  
Spike tangled his fingers in his blond curls that were beginning to show darker roots. "I know. I know in the end I'm going to die but I can't live like this. I laughed at Angel when he got his soul. Maybe before you end it, you should let me call him to apologize. I had no idea what flavor of hell this was." A bitter laugh tore out of him. "So, if you're going to ask your questions, Rupert, why don't you put the kettle on and we'll talk over a cuppa. Just don't make it that herbal crap. I can feel something inside me wanting it but she's just going to have to learn to live with some good Typhoo."  
  
* * *  
  
Buffy absently washed the tea cups. Willow had collapsed on the couch sometime near midnight and she all but carried her groggy friend upstairs and put her to bed. Dawn was snoring loud enough to be heard in the hall. At least she hadn't pressed for too many answers after Xander had dropped her off. All the questions Giles had for Spike hadn't produced much in the way of helpful answers. And the most pressing answer for Buffy had to come from within her. When the time came, could she kill Spike?  
  
Buffy roamed out of the kitchen, smelling smoke. Grumbling to herself about the foolishness of giving him access to the house again, Buffy rounded the corner to the living room only to see Giles smoking from the pack she had taken from Spike. She tapped her foot and her Watcher looked up at her. He took a drag on the cigarette then his lips quirked up in a guilty little smile.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I'll forgive you this time." She grinned, sitting down beside him. She nodded at the books on the table. "Find anything useful?"  
  
"Possibly. There's a Draconian Katra spell, the one that was used to switch you and Faith.only I'm not sure if it can pull Spike's soul out of the aether and where it would dump out Tara's."  
  
Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Doesn't that require a physical body and touching?"  
  
"Not always."  
  
"How about a spell like the one you used to force Catherine Madison out of Amy's body and vice versa?"  
  
Giles smiled, a very pleased look in his blue eyes. "Excellent suggestion. It's also a possibility."  
  
"And then I'll have to kill Spike." Buffy wanted it to sound easy but she heard the pain in her voice.  
  
"Or we could curse him with his own soul.though, I don't suggest that." Giles didn't meet her eyes, rubbing the filter of his cigarette against his lips.  
  
"I made that point myself, didn't I? Angel doesn't kill only because he doesn't want to. There's no guarantee Spike will react the same way to having a soul."  
  
"Exactly. There have been far too many souled people out there that would relish the carnage Spike's caused over the years. We don't know his soul isn't such a one."  
  
Buffy leaned her head against Giles' shoulder. "Can we not talk about this for a moment? I think it's starting to kill me." Buffy shuddered, feeling his hand give her hair a caress. "How are you really, Giles?"  
  
"We've already talked about this. I'm getting better."  
  
"I don't mean about the physical damage.I'm talking about inside here." She tapped his chest. "We asked you to do a very hard thing, helping Willow. She tortured you and we expected you to just forget that and try to help her. That wasn't very fair of us."  
  
Giles sighed and tamped out his cigarette. "It's all right, Buffy. I'm learning I can be more forgiving than I ever expected of myself. Sometimes I think about it, remember the look in her eyes as she took great joy in trying to kill me. I tell myself that it wasn't Willow. It was the rage, the grief, the overwhelming power she tapped into. But other times I sit there thinking, you silly little girl. I tried to warn you and you didn't listen. Worse, she threatened me and that was before all the grief."  
  
"And you know that it really was Willow, that there was no excuse for what she did." Buffy choked, trying not to think about it.  
  
He pushed up his glasses. "Yes, then I think it's all my fault. I knew Willow was into magic. I knew firsthand how easy it is to go wrong. I should have given her some sort of instruction, some guidance. I failed her." His voice sounded old and tired and it hurt Buffy to hear it.  
  
She squeezed his hand. "You had your plate too full with me and all we had to do."  
  
He shook his head as if to say that was no excuse. "You and she are the closest thing to daughters I've ever had. In some ways, I was even closer to Willow."  
  
"She enjoys all the same things you do," Buffy said. "I'm always irritating you and.and challenging you." She gave him a mock pout and he smothered a laugh.  
  
"That's never made me love you less, Buffy." Giles smiled softly. "But you're right. And it makes what she did even harder for me to get past but then I think I have no choice. How can I not help? I can't just turn my back on her.like my father did to me. He never forgave me, Buffy, for the things I did when I was young. If it weren't for my grandmother, I probably would never have found my place with the Watchers. She was the one to forgive me for those transgressions and helped me back onto the path. If not for her, I would have been another Ethan Rayne, worse since I was always more powerful than he. Willow could still go that way and I can't let that happen. The world might not survive it so I can't let my pain get in the way of what I need to do."  
  
Buffy kissed his cheek then rested her forehead on his shoulder. "We'd be lost without you." 


End file.
